Diary of a Stay at Home Mom: My Guilty Confessions

I was chatting with Alix the other day about an article we both read about feelings of guilt as a stay at home mom and we decided that one of us should write about our own feelings and experiences in this area. I told Alix that she should write it. She’s in the throes of newborn life, running on little to no sleep, the sole food supply for Kinsley while also raising a moody Kindergartener, a 6 month old puppy, running the household, and tending to everyone’s needs before her own. She is IN IT. I, on the other hand, have kids in school 5 days a week. What the hell do I have to complain about? But then I sat back and thought about it more.

First of all, I have been both. I have been a full time working parent (after Jackson was born I went back to work full time until after my second son was born) and I have been a full time stay at home mom. Neither one of these is the easier route. One day I’d say going to work is easier (and way more fun sometimes, especially if you like your coworkers) than being at home and the next day I’d tell you juggling a career and your children’s activities/the household responsibilities is too much for one person to handle without having a mental breakdown. There is guilt, there are questions, there are fears no matter which path you take. I just happen to have more experience with guilt in the stay at home mom phase because I have spent the last 5 years doing it. I was a full time working mom for about 2 years.

I spent the last 6.5 years in a newborn and toddler haze and this is the first year I have felt the tiniest bit of reprieve schedule wise. While my kids are in school for a short amount of time during the day, that doesn’t mean I am off getting my nails done, massages, and facials every day. If you see one of those things happening on Instagram, it is a blip on the radar that happens few and far between. Those are just exciting things I can share because no one wants to see me washing dishes, cleaning my house, doing 18 loads of laundry a day because BOYS SMELL, scheduling appointments, taking the kids to those appointments, and checking emails. Today I wanted to share some thoughts I’ve had about mom guilt and the guilt of staying at home and giving up my career. I don’t think it matters what stage of stay at home mom you are in.. you can be like Alix with a newborn or like me with kids in school 5x a week. Either way, I think the feelings most of us have are so very normal. So let’s talk about it.

Staying at home is a 24/7 job with no salary and little to no appreciation. Every morning, my husband wakes up before the rest of us and works out. Then he goes into the sauna, showers, and heads to work (sometimes at home, sometimes he physically leaves the house…snaps for when they leave the house amiright?!). At times, he will make a quick breakfast for the kids or if he hears someone up he’ll get them dressed but for the most part, he is in his own routine in the morning. Now, I will caveat this by saying I do not resent him for this. If I said I want to get up at 6 am and do my workout he would say, “No problem. Do it.” And sometimes I do. But for the most part, I don’t and I’ll tell you why. For one, I haven’t been able to sleep until 7 since I was pregnant with Jackson 7 years ago. I finally have three kids sleeping through the night and don’t need me the second they wake up. I allow myself this extra hour of sleep because it is a luxury I will never take for granted. Second, the mornings require a lot of work before we are out the door at 8:15. I get up, make the kids breakfast, make their lunches, get them dressed, make their beds, make my bed, feed the dog, take the dog out to use the bathroom, and finally make my coffee and drink two sips of it before one of the kids is asking for more blackberries. This is when I get a “mom I need more strawberries” without a please or thank you and I have to remind them that I’m not their employee even though every day I feel that way without the pay. This is when teaching moments come in and I explain you wouldn’t talk to your teacher that way, right? Let’s use some FREAKING MANNERS 😉 By the time I’ve gotten myself dressed, packed their bags for the day and we head out the door I have close to 4K steps. I’m usually sweating. Rushing them out the door. A couple of swear words in my head (jk out loud) and we’re out.

Every day feels like groundhog’s day. After I drop the kids at school, I will either get to the grocery store, go to Target because I FEEL LIKE IT, or head to an appointment like the dentist or doctor that I haven’t seen in over a year because my family’s appointments have always taken priority over mine. If I don’t have an errand or appointment to get to, I will come home, clean up the mess that was left from the morning, finish my now cold coffee, and squeeze in a workout or a walk. By the way, it is now lunch time and my “me time” hasn’t felt the slightest bit relaxing or joyful. It has been work. A job. A job that will sometimes drive you insane because every day, week, month looks the same. By the time the chores are done, I usually sit down at my computer to finish a blog post, check emails, schedule haircuts, dentists, doctors, and other miscellaneous appointments for myself, my husband, and my three kids. If I get an hour before pick up, it’s to catch up on a Bravo show my husband would typically roll his eyes at (so I spare him! I’m doing him a favor lol), or read a chapter or two in a book that it takes me months to finish. By 2:45 I am back in the car on the pick up loop. I pick up three very tired and cranky boys who don’t want to talk about their day. They want to come home and zone out oh, and they’re starving so make me a snack before dinner without the “please” we learned about earlier in the morning. This is when I am emptying backpacks while also making them a snack, looking at any To-Do’s from school, cleaning their lunch boxes and starting to think about dinner. By the time my husband gets home, the house is a mess again and it looks like I did nothing all day. Except watch a show on the DVR. He knows that’s not true but I get how it can look sometimes. What did I do all day?! I am not even sure. Did I accomplish anything? Cut to my next feeling of guilt…

I feel like I should be making my own money. This is an area I feel guiltiest of all. When I decided to quit my career, it was the biggest mind F I’ve ever experienced. I talked about it extensively with my husband. What does this mean for us financially? How much of “me” would I be giving up? Can I do the things I was used to doing without my husband questioning every little charge on the credit card? But just like newborn life, NOTHING can prepare you for the adjustment between working full time to staying at home to raise your kids. I tear up just writing it and saying it out loud. I gave up a huge piece of myself and my financial freedom the second Cameron was born. Throw hormones on top of it and I had a huge identity crisis. Sometimes I still struggle with it and question myself. Now that my kids are in school, should I go back to work? I feel guilty being at home and not bringing in an income. But then 2:45 pm rolls around and I am in the school pick up line and think, “What employer will allow me to drop off my kids at 9, roll in at 9:30 and leave by 2:30?” I am sure there are plenty of women who make this schedule work and I commend you. I actually think working part-time and staying home with your kids is the hardest of all because you are splitting all of your attention. Not an easy feat. I also often wonder how much harder this schedule is going to become as my boys get older. Right now, only one of them is in true school with homework and sports activities. The other two are 1 and 3 years away from that and then I’ll have all three with major responsibilities after school. Keeping their schedules straight will be a full time job. Again, a full time job with no pay and zero appreciation lol. But I will do it happily.

Please stop touching me. This one was a bit more true when I had babies and was breastfeeding but it still applies: can everyone please just stop touching me!! Even the dog wants to sit on my lap. I am being tugged at for food, yanked on by Parker to help him find a Lego that HE misplaced, come jump with me on the trampoline, carry me up the stairs. And then my husband gets home and needs physical touch and is offended when I am not jumping into his arms hahah. At the end of the day, I want to sit and watch a show on Netflix with a glass of wine or crawl into bed and read a chapter without being touched. Everyone needs me all day long and sometimes I have nothing left to give when my head hits the pillow.

I love staying at home. I feel guilt in so many areas being a stay at home mom but I know I have the hardest job in the world. I wouldn’t trade the world for being able to drop my kids off at school, pick them up, hear about their day, take them to practice and help them with their homework. Right now, I have a small window of time to squeeze in very little “me time” but soon, that me time will vanish once again like it has for the past 6 years. All three of them are going to have school projects, multiple sports activities, homework that even I can’t figure out, and volunteer jobs in their classrooms. And when I do get a chance to roam the Target aisles aimlessly and I hear a mom struggling with her toddler in the toy aisle, I’m going to smile at her and tell her she’s doing a good job. Because even though it’s hard, I know she loves it too.

Lastly, I do not want, need, or expect any sympathy from this post. Some women might read this and roll their eyes. I get it, I do. I do not have anything to complain about.. I truly love my job as a stay at home mom and some women would kill to be in my position. Hence, why I feel guilty even writing about this. I feel guilty about having these feelings. But again, I think that’s normal and I think it’s important we don’t feel alone in our feelings.

In the end, cheers to you mama. No matter what stage of life you’re in, you’re crushing it. Now pour a draaaank!

xx, Heather