Life Lately

For today’s post, I thought I’d just ramble a bit. Talk about what’s been going on this month and how we’re still trying to find our groove as a party of 5. Not going to lie, it’s a bit of a shit show.. as to be expected, right? Jackson and Cameron have been sick, Parker is refusing to take a bottle and my postpartum anxiety hit its peak the other day.. we’re talking a scream so loud I saw STARS. But damn it felt good to get it out. More on that later.

We have had some fun, though. We took a little trip up to Suncadia, which is only about 2 hours outside of Seattle, for one of Jackson’s besties birthdays and seeing the kids play in the snow and go tubing was a blast. We rented a house with a bunch of our friends and the kids ran themselves ragged. Being out of the house, in the snow, where the kids could just be kids was so good for the soul. We will absolutely be going back this Summer.

We also celebrated Cammy’s second birthday with a small get together at the house and it was “TWO COOL!” Ha, I thought that theme was just the best LOL. Cammy was a really hard one year old. This entire year. JUST IN IT. He’s now starting to talk a little bit more, in his own language (that only I understand) and is finding his stride. He’s still fussy and an emotional roller coaster but at least we can start to communicate a little bit now. I know we’re going to see more and more of his personality appear as the months go on so for now, trying to soak up Cammy Monster in all his glory… wait for it:

Now on to Mister Parker. This kid. He’s SO cute but he’s absolutely going through a “leap.” See: Wonder Weeks. He has been refusing to take a bottle, which is literally the most stressful thing. To be honest, when I heard people say that their baby was refusing a bottle, I had my doubts. Like, ok… your baby really won’t take a bottle?! Try harder. And now I GET IT! I’m sorry for judging before. It’s a real thing and it’s VERY stressful.

And I know I need to tread lightly here because there are some women who CAN’T breastfeed and wish they could or who have to go back to work and are stressed that their baby won’t take a bottle. I don’t have either of those issues and for that, I am grateful. But if I am being real, I just want a little bit of freedom back. I’d like to be able to leave the house with him knowing I won’t have to breastfeed in a bathroom stall. Or that I can leave him with my husband for more than 2-3 hours without getting a panicked text that I need to come home to feed him.

So we worked on it all weekend and it was a standoff. He went 10 hours and finally caved to the bottle on Friday night but still just fought it and fought it and fought it Saturday. But I didn’t cave. I pumped and gave him that milk from a bottle and it would take him about 15 minutes of crying and bobbing and weaving the bottle to finally start sucking. He literally forgot how to suck on a bottle so I was re-teaching him… I read that this can happen at 3 months old when their sucking reflux goes away or something. I don’t know, I’ve read so much on this topic that I am numb to the information at this point. And yeah, I have tried different bottles, nipples, etc etc etc and it caused more confusion and upset him more. So I am sticking with ONE bottle (Dr. Brown’s like I have always used because it’s designed to reduce gas and reflux) and not looking back until he figures it out. Trust me, I have read. I have Googled. I have asked for help. I have done it all. And at this point, I am trusting my instincts and hopefully we will continue making progress. But wow, talk about the anxiety of this situation.

Which brings me to my postpartum recovery and mental health. I’ve been really good about getting my self-care in these last few weeks. I’m working out at least 4x a week, my husband is supportive of childcare/school for my older boys so I can bond with Parker and I sneak away for the occasional facial or manicure when I can. And yeah, I shop a little too much but that’s neither here nor there 😉 Anyway, while we were in Suncadia, I experienced some extreme anxiety. And sure, a lot of it had to do with the amount of alcohol that was being consumed but it overtook my entire body.. physically and mentally. After speaking with some of my friends about it, I decided it was time to see a doctor.

Fast forward to last week when I saw my primary doctor and sat with her for over an hour talking about my life, my symptoms and feelings. I’m not quite ready to get into specifics about my treatment plan but what I will say is that it was the most honest conversation I’ve had with a doctor in a long time and one that should have happened after I had Jackson four years ago. Postpartum baby blues/anxiety/depression is so common but when you’re in it, you don’t know it, especially after your first baby. After I had Jackson, I had baby blues for sure. I don’t think it was full blown depression but it was severe anxiety. The sun would set and I would go into a panic. I cried at least once a day. I got out of it after about 4 months.. when he started to sleep. And looking back, I should have sought medical treatment after week 1 with him. After Cam, I didn’t experience it..the occasional anxiety, sure, but nothing I couldn’t manage. Jackson was in school full time, Cam was a SUPER EASY BABY like not normal how easy.. and I felt great. But now that we have three kids and they are all still so little and needy, my anxiety has increased. I have been easily agitated and just plain ANGRY. Full of rage, really. So I went to the doctor and did something about it. And I already feel better. I’ll talk more about this at a later time but for now, it’s still so new and fresh and I’m still trying to navigate to a healthier place mentally. After that conversation, I decided to start meditating and downloaded the HeadSpace app. Has anyone tried it? I’m hoping to helps even a little..

So there ya have it. Like I said: shit show. Being a mom is the hardest job FRIGGIN EVER. And social media can make it look so easy.. let me be clear: it’s hard for everyone. We are all super-moms. Making it happen day after day. And just when I think we’re getting over one hump, another one pops right up! Can’t wait to see what’s next..

Thanks for listening. xx, H