I’ve wanted to write a post about my experience with postpartum anxiety for a while now and these past few weeks my anxiety has been through the roof, so figured it was time to talk about it!
Quinn has typically been a good sleeper, but we’ve had a few set backs since she’s been sick on and off the past several weeks AND we said bye bye to the paci… hello sleep regression! She’s been waking up a ton at night and going through nap strikes. The lack of predicability with her sleep schedule (and mood!) layered with less than adequate sleep has my anxiety on high alert! I’m not sure if this is still classified as postpartum anxiety or just generalized anxiety… call it what you want…it’s rough.
Rewind 2.5 years ago when I had Quinn…
The good news is there is a little more screening and discussion taking place about postpartum mental health these days. It does feel like there is less stigma around the topic, but there still feels like so much pressure to hold it all together as a new mom. You hear about the baby blues and your doctor has you fill out a questionnaire before postpartum appointments, but I knew exactly what they were screening for and I lied.
Per social media…motherhood looks dreamy. Pictures of the cutest baby, wearing the cutest onesie, in the cutest nursery, and the cutest mom joking about needing another cup of coffee…NBD. I must be doing something wrong because that’s not what it looked like IRL for me.
In the early postpartum days and weeks it wasn’t necessarily depression/baby blues I was feeling, but overwhelming anxiety. I tried to play it cool in the beginning, but as the sleep deprivation took over my anxiety was unbearable at times. I had such a difficult time relaxing and enjoying my time with my newborn.
During the day I could hold it together for the most part, but as the sun began to set in the evening I would get sick to my stomach. The unknown about how the upcoming night would go…when she would wake up…how much (or little) sleep I would get…how long would this go on for…and feeling so scared in the middle of the night that I was doing it all wrong.
My nerves would get the best of me and I would literally start shaking during dinner time and couldn’t eat. My sister started to get on my case that I was slipping back into unhealthy behaviors trying to get “my body back” and that could not have be further from the truth. I was suffering with unbearable anxiety that also started to manifested into postpartum OCD behaviors.
I remember being on my phone 24/7 looking up what I “should” be doing with my baby and what her “schedule” should look like. I would write out schedules and have a new game plan each day. She was only 2-3 months old (I now understand she was way too young for any sort of routine or schedule) but I was so desperate to get her on some sort of predictable schedule. I’m such a routine based person and don’t typically just “go with the flow” so not knowing what each day and night would bring, on top of each day also feeling like groundhogs day, was unbearable.
When Quinn was 4 months old we moved to Seattle and within the first month of moving I made an appointment to meet with a new nurse practitioner and she had me complete a depression/anxiety questionnaire and this time I tearfully answered truthfully. She told me I had major depression and and anxiety. She started me on medication, we sleep trained Quinn in her new room, and life started to stabilize a bit in our new home. I’m not saying that the anxiety magically went away, but it does get better if you get help and support.
I’m sharing this experience because I think so many women are ashamed to get help and start medication (if needed). The more mom friends I talk to about this topic share similar experiences and feelings, so this is totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of.
Today anxiety clearly still creeps up, because life is not predicable and has it stressful periods. So for me diet and exercise are key in helping me manage it. Working out is my favorite outlet and eating all the foods and potions to help me keep my body well nourished and my nerves calm. I’ve also become better about asking for support from my friends and husband.
Thanks for following along and hope to start more discussions about postpartum mental health.
xx,
A
Thank you so much for sharing this. My son is almost 6 months old and your story sounds like mine to a T. I am on medication and it has made all the difference in the world so I can actually enjoy my time with him and not be crying or overwhelmed. I still struggle with trying to figure out the perfect schedule, but am working to be more flexible and less rigid on that. Talking about it is so important. I never thought it would happen to me, but it did and I know feel like that best thing I can do is prepare others and help them as much as possible. It always helps to know I am not alone:)
I’m so glad you got the support you needed so you can enjoy this special time! There is no perfect schedule…that’s what I learned…and Heather is writing more about that next week 😉 So glad others can related and we can support each other because #momlife is no joke!!
Great- raw- real. Thanks for sharing. Social media can be so positive in moments like this- connecting- sharing- empathizing with each other. And- then it can be so negative as you mentioned. Love your sista- literally
Thanks sissy…love you too!
You are amazing. You’re right, social media (and basically everything) is good at making motherhood look like it should be so simple and always beautiful. I catch myself feeling guilty for not doing more, or having it all together all the time. Q is so lucky to have you as her mama. And PS- those pics are adorable of you guys!
Thanks Jayme that seriously means a lot! It’s so so hard not to get caught up in the comparison game, but just know you’re doing the best you can and always learning. You’re an amazing mama! xo