I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while now, but I keep putting it off. Not sure why…I’ve never really put this story into words before. Our intention of creating this blog was to be authentic and honest, so I’m letting myself be vulnerable and sharing an important piece of how I ended up where I am today. I will not be going into great detail about numbers, weight history, calories, or specific behaviors as this is not really important and can also be triggering for some.
I never really thought negatively about food or my body until I tore my ACL and meniscus my second year in college. Being an athlete, I was always so active I never really thought twice about what I was eating or how much I was exercising. Sure, in high school I made comments about food or wanting to change the way my body looked before a dance or something, but luckily at that time those thoughts never resulted in harming my health.
Being a competitive soccer player was my life. All of my close friends were from soccer, my weekends were spent at the fields, and I was able to get into a great college (my SAT scores sure didn’t help- oops!) One spring day, we were hosting a fun tournament and within the first 2 minutes of my very first game of the day my cleat got stuck in the grass and I heard a “POP!” and I knew I was done. Yes, it was painful, but I was also crying uncontrollably because I just knew it was a season ending injury. What I didn’t know is that it would ultimately be a career ending injury.
I headed home to the OC that summer for surgery and rehab. A few days after my ACL and meniscus repair surgery I was in extreme pain and after a few horrible days my doctor saw me on a Sunday morning (after a late night call by my dad basically cussing out the doctor for not taking my pain seriously) took one look at me and immediately sent me to Children’s to get a PICC line placed and scheduled surgery for the next day to clean out my knee…staph infection…great! I was on a very heavy dose of IV antibiotics for weeks and this ultimately slowed down my ability to get into PT and rehab my knee.
This is when I first started to notice my heightened awareness about food and my body. I was in so much pain from the infection I had no appetite, but I needed to eat to take the pain meds…it was all so overwhelming and exhausting. I also started having intrusive thoughts about my immobility; “Well I’m just lying on the couch all day I don’t need food”. If only I could go back and explain to my younger self how much nutrition my body actually did require to heal and function! I later reflected with my therapist about how I got to this point in my eating disorder…what I didn’t realize at the time there was a perfect storm brewing. I had a serious college boyfriend that graduated so we broke up, my knee injury, the staph infection, and having to red shirt (sit out) my upcoming soccer season…I was depressed and unknowingly developed an eating disorder to cope with the loss of control I was experiencing in my life.
When I got back to school in the fall I was not in a good place, and ironically I got so much attention from guys for my body (weight loss). Playing soccer, I always had a muscular frame…that was now gone. Flat chested, no booty, and honestly not healthy looking and somehow this is when I got so much damn attention from other male athletes. That messed with my head for sure! I was trying to rehab my knee and knew I needed to gain muscle and weight (my coach made that very clear) and while I voiced my understanding and agreement…I secretly didn’t want to. As I started to move and train more my appetite increased…hunger was not a feeling I had experienced much over the summer and it scared the crap out of me to have those hunger cues back. I tried to ignore them as much as possible and control what and how much I was eating, but it ultimately lead me to start to binge and purge. I felt out of control and finally spoke to my athletic trainer about what was going on. I started seeing an outpatient therapist and dietitian regularly. Over the next year or so I suffered from (and did seek help for) a range of issues… anorexia nervosa with some binge/purge behaviors, over exercising, amenorrhea, depression, and anxiety. My eating disorder isolated me socially too…I barely went out with my friends and would be the DD because I either did not want to consume the calories and/or wanted to workout the next day. It was a miserable year.
I was determined to be healthy enough to play the next season. I trained my butt off, got the help and support I needed to work on my eating disorder, and it was hard as hell. I also got my black lab pup, Bailey, at this time as a therapy dog. I needed something else to focus on and put my energy into…not be so isolated and consumed by my thoughts. What I never told anyone during this time was how much pain my knee was still in because I wanted to play. I ended up making it through most of the next season and my very last game was played at UCSB. My knee and back pain (from so much compensation) was unbearable and I just wanted to make it through the first half of the game then I told myself I would call it quits. About 20 minutes into the first half I went into a tackle and tore ligaments in my ankle…I was done. Again. My soccer career was over…my body just couldn’t take it anymore.
(Outfit Details shoes, tank, jacket, hat, similar leggings )
I went to therapy on and off to work through my above issues and also my anger…I was so angry at my body for letting me down. All of my identity was wrapped up in being an athlete…wtf was I supposed to do now?
If I had a choice I’m not sure I’d say I’d do it all again because it helped me focus on my future, but for whatever it’s worth it did. I didn’t really think I was going to be a professional athlete, but I never took the time to think past college and what I wanted for my future. One therapy session I was so upset and my therapist said “Look I’ve been exactly where you are and I promise you can get through this too”. Her words have always stuck with me, and when I was far enough along in my own recovery I knew I wanted to help others struggling with eating disorders- especially athletes.
This experience has helped shape the type of RD I am and why I’m a “non diet dietitian”. I know first hand how dangerous the diet game can be. I’m not saying diets cause eating disorders, but they sure as hell don’t help! Yes, I love consciously fueling my body with amazing food and moving my body in a way that is both fun and challenging…. but now I also live my life! Having the freedom and flexibility to eat whatever I want may sound strange for some, but it’s something I don’t take for granted because it took a lot of hard work to get to where I am. My goal in sharing this story is to inspire others struggling with disorder eating/eating disorders/rigid eating/food rules/chronic dieting/whatever you want to call it… to get the help they need to live their best and fullest life.
Disclaimer
All information on the The Champagne Theory blog, including but not limited to information about nutrition, health and fitness, is intended for general or background purposes only, and not as medical advice applicable to any individual. Please consult your medical provider or providers for instructions specific to your own medical concerns and condition.
