HEATHER + ALIX

The Champagne Theory

My Sleep Training Experience: A Version of Cry It Out

Sleep training. I’m afraid to even say those two little words because of how much controversy and opinion it stirs up. However, over the past 3 years I have received countless emails and texts from friends asking about my sleep training experience and how I got my kids to sleep from 6:30 pm-6:30 am by the time they were 4 months old.

I wish I could say that I sleep trained my babies without hearing one little cry but that’s just not the case and if you are against any form of cry it out, I suggest you stop reading now. This method won’t be for you and you won’t be successful. But because I get so many questions and spend a lot of time texting and emailing, I figured this post would resonate with a lot of you. And now I have a place to point my mamas out there who are at the end of their rope. Because that was me. I was heading back to work and getting maybe 4 hours of sleep a night. Not. Sustainable. I was a train wreck. So was my son. And every sleep training book I read advised that I could begin around the 4 month mark. Well – I started a tad earlier than that (what a rebel) and had huge success. So I’m going to tell you exactly what I did and some frequently asked questions I’ve received over the past few years.

When I had my first son in March 2015, I thought I had to get my newborn on a schedule from the beginning. I read On Becoming Baby Wise and tried to regulate his eat, play, sleep routine. Mistake number 1. I should have never, ever, ever tried this approach. During the first three months, throw the books out the window and relish in the newborn phase and take their cues. Some babies may fall into their own little routine while others are all over the map. So just go with the flow… until that sweet little 4 month mark approaches. Start reading the books during month 2 or 3 to get prepared but anything sooner will just give you anxiety.

I sleep trained Jackson two weeks shy of 4 months because I was heading back to work and if I didn’t get 8 hours of sleep, I was going to lose it. He met the weight requirements, my doctor gave me the green light and he had proven to me in the past couple of months that he could go longer stretches at night.. he was just so used to eating at certain times that his body came to expect it. The analogy someone once told me was, “If you ate a chocolate chip cookie every night, your body would learn to wake up at the same time and crave that chocolate chip cookie.” You literally have to train your body (and your baby) to stop waking up for cookies (ahem, sweet milk).

This is the part where I got REALLY lucky – I had expressed on social media that I was getting ready to sleep train and a friend from college reached out and said she had recently hired a sleep consultant and had gone through this phase not 1 month earlier. BINGO. She gave me all of her sleep training notes and offered so much emotional support through the process (hi, Jenna if you’re reading this! You’re an angel). So I read the sleep training notes and followed them to a T.

Here are the actual notes from the sleep consultant in Los Angeles and her version of the cry it out method with “waits”/”check-ins”:

  • Do your bedtime “routine” a little later than usual when you decide to start sleep training. Routine meaning bottle, bath, PJs, book or whatever your model looks like.
  • Pick a starting bedtime no earlier than the time your baby is usually “down for the night.” For me, this was usually between 7:30-8 pm so I decided to put him down the first night just after 8 pm (you know, REALLY tired).
  • First wait: 3 minutes
  • Second wait: 5 minutes
  • Third wait: 10 minutes
  • Subsequent waits (if they are still crying): 10 minutes
  • As the nights progress, increase your “waits.” So night one is a 3, 5, 10 minute model. Night two: 5, 10, 12 minute model. Night three: 10, 12, 15 minute model. After night 3, you’ll have a better gauge at how long you should wait and what’s been working or not.
  • If at any point baby stops crying during one of your “waits,” start the clock over. Example: baby starts crying 1 minute in, but then stops at minute 2. Clock starts over when they start crying again and if after 3 minutes they are still crying, then go in. Does that make sense?
  • Do not spend more than 2-3 minutes in the bedroom when you go in
  • Do not pick them up
  • The goal is not to make baby stop crying when you go in but assuring him/her that mommy/daddy love you and you will be fine – just go the F to sleep 😉

Now, here is exactly how night 1 went with my son:

  • 8:07 – down for the night after bottle, bath, PJ’s and book (I did not nurse him to sleep and he was still very much awake when I put him down)
  • Crying began at 8:13
  • 1st wait (3 minutes): 8:16; I went in, said I love you, kissed him and left the room. This is what I did whenever I went in. Exact same thing. Every time. Consistency.
  • Still crying at 2nd wait (5 minute mark): 8:22
  • Still crying at 3rd wait (10 minute mark): 8:33
  • Still crying at the first subsequent 10 minute mark: 8:46
  • 5th wait (additional 10 minute mark): 8:58
  • At this point, he was getting REALLY tired and yes, he cried for almost 45 minutes. Sad face. But right at this time, when I was so close to saying screw it, he found his hands and started self soothing and stopped crying. And he fell asleep. A-FREAKING-MEN. This is when I opened the wine.
  • 9:09: Asleep
  • 10:15: He woke up crying (at this point, he had only been asleep for an hour so no, he’s not hungry. I started the clock over. And drank some more wine. This was going to be a long night.)
  • 1st wait (3 minutes): 10:19
  • 2nd wait (5 minutes): 10:25
  • 3rd wait (10 minutes): 10:37 but I didn’t go in because he started to self soothe by sucking on his hands.
  • 10:39: he fell asleep
  • 12:40 am: Awake but not screaming; I did a dream feed and left the room with him still drowsy but awake
  • 12:53 am: Asleep
  • 3:30 am: Awake; no check ins
  • 3:36 am: Asleep
  • 4 am: Awake; no check ins
  • 4:15 am: Asleep
  • 5:30 am: Awake and whimpering but I didn’t get him out of bed until 6:30 am because I’m not trying to set a precedent that we wake up at 5:30 every day. Not up in here!

As you can see, it was a ROUGH night and no, I didn’t sleep. But I knew that keeping up with the same routine every night, it would fall into place. I just had to trust the process. Night 2 went a little better than night 1 but here is how night 3 went:

  • 6:30 pm: down for the night
  • First wait (10 minutes because my waits got longer each night): 6:40 pm but I didn’t go in because he started to self-soothe
  • 6:45 pm: Asleep
  • 4 am: Awake (that was a 9 hour stretch!)
  • I fed him a 3 oz bottle, just enough to take the edge off, put him back down and he didn’t cry at all. Just rolled over and went back to sleep.
  • 6:40 am: Up for the day

Do you see that progress? I was so proud of myself and my son – we were doing the damn thing (for my Bachelor fans, do I sound like Becca K?).

Night 4 was similar to night 3 except he woke up around 1 am, I did a dream feed, put him right back down and he was up for the day at 6:30.

By night 5, he slept through the night. 6:30-6:30 without a peep. Obviously, I didn’t expect this out of him from every night here on out but five days.. that’s all it really took for him to learn the art of falling asleep on his own. That’s what sleep training is. It’s not a cruel method of making your baby cry until they fall asleep. It is TEACHING them to fall asleep without a bottle, boob, pacifier, etc. Think about it – when you lay your head down at night, do you immediately fall asleep? No. You toss, turn, get comfortable, turn your brain off and drift to sleep. Babies are no different.

Now, the sleep consultant advised that if I had seen ZERO improvement by night 7, to stop. But as you can see, that wasn’t the case. Hence, why I kept the journal – I could see it right there in black and white. If after 7 days, baby is still crying all night long and not settling EVER, then stop. They aren’t ready. Keeping a journal helps.. it’s so easy to give up during this process because hearing your baby cry is AWFUL but seeing progress on a page will give you confidence in what you’re doing.

At the end of the day, babies thrive on routine. They crave sleep. And you as their parent are giving them the gift of sleep by going through sleep training. And no, I don’t think my kids have any psychological damage from this emotional time in their life. EYE ROLL. I truly believe I am a better mom for it and my kids are dream sleepers to this day..it doesn’t matter where we go.. they will sleep. Of course, there will be setbacks (teething/sickness) but stay consistent. That’s the one thing I tell every one of my friends who are IN IT. Your experience will be different from mine and only you know what’s best for you and your baby. But I promise if you stick to your guns and have confidence in the process, your baby will learn to fall asleep on their own. They will sleep for 12 hours. But even better- YOU will sleep 8 hours again. Have you ever heard anything sweeter? For a sleep deprived mom – let me answer that for you: NOPE.

Now, here are some frequently asked questions I’ve received from friends over the years when I sent them the above notes:

1. How long did you keep up with dream feeds?
I continued with dream feeds until both of my boys were about 5 months old but then cut them off completely because they each showed me on multiple occasions that they could go 12+ hours a night. They just wanted cookies 😉
2. Is it ok for my husband and I to switch off doing the check ins or is it best for just one of us to do it?
I say it’s fine especially in the beginning. I eventually found that it just angered my kids more when I would go in so I stopped doing check ins. I was doing it more for me-like, I’m making my kid cry himself to sleep I should probably go in there and tell him I love him and that I’m not abandoning him. But when I went in, they cried harder and longer so I stopped when I grew a thicker skin and realized they were fine. As long as they weren’t wet, had a poopy diaper or had thrown up, I didn’t go in. Eventually, I could gauge if something was wrong (like a peed through diaper or poop) if they were crying longer than usual and that’s the only reason why I would go in. But yes, I say either one of you can go in, put your hand on his chest, tell him he’s fine and you love him and walk out. Don’t pick him up, don’t stay longer than 2-3 minutes. Be strong lol!
3. If awake but not crying- No check ins? 
If awake but not crying, I wouldn’t go in at all. If after 10 minutes he starts crying, start the clock. At 3 minutes go in. When you leave and he’s still crying, go in 5 minutes later. Then 10 minutes later. But if at any time in between he stops crying, start the clock over. If you see him on the monitor starting to self soothe like sucking on his hands, fingers, etc. let him be. He is trying to figure it out himself.
4. Did you do check ins during naps?
Ugh naps. I’d say yes you can do check ins during naps if you find that it helps. But again, if it just starts to work him up even more, I’d skip the check ins. Naps are a totally different story and I tried to stick to a schedule but for a long time, they were all over the map. I just tried to stay consistent and be patient and when I needed to be a bit more flexible because I knew how exhausted my baby was, I just let it go. Sometimes, they just want to sleep in your arms. Especially after a long night of sleep training. That’s ok. Let it be. You’ll never get that time back.
5. Did you start this on the boys very first night in their crib or had they been in their crib before?
With Jackson (my first), he had never been in his crib except for cat naps here and there. But when I started sleep training, I unswaddled him, gave him a lovie and put him in his crib night 1. BIG adjustment for him. With Cam, he had been in his crib in the dock a tot since 2 months old. I did a mini-sleep training with him at 8 weeks. Unsaddled but kept him in the dock a tot so he couldn’t roll over. But at 4 months, I took the dock away and he was in his crib all night.
6. If I try to do 7-7, do I leave him in the crib until 7am if he wakes early? Also, if he’s not wake by 7 am, do I wake him?
Honestly, every sleep professional or book is going to say 7 is too late for this age. Ideally, between 6-6:30 is the best bed time. However, if you think 7 is best for you and him, then yes leave him in his crib until 7. My baby (who is now 1) goes to his room every night no later than 6:30 but isn’t asleep until 7-7:15 because he’s rolling around to get comfy. I now don’t get him out of his room until 6:45 even if he’s awake earlier. He doesn’t cry – just plays and chills until I go in. As for your baby, the bedtime will shift slowly. For now, I’d highly recommend getting him into his crib no later than 6:30 and as he gets older, you can push the bed time back.
7. Did your boys get hot and sweaty when they cried? When my son gets pissed off, he sometimes is soaked in sweat.
Oh ya. It’s normal. My boys never threw up from crying but the books I read basically say if they get so worked up that they throw up, go in, clean them up quickly and put them back down. Kinda sad, I know, but you can’t give up because they get worked up. He’s going get mad especially those first few nights. And yes, he’s going to literally get so worked up and cry so hard that he eventually falls asleep. This is sleep training. This is the reality. And this is also when you turn down the volume on the monitor and pour a glass of wine. Don’t give in. Stay consistent, confident and a little buzzed.
8. Had your son ever slept a 10 hour stretch before night 3?
Not a 10 hour stretch. But he had given me 7-8 a few times. He was doing 6 hours consistently by 3.5 months. The books I read basically said a 4 week old can go 4 hours, 5 week old can go 5 hours and so on. So by 4 months, they can absolutely go 10+ hours.
9. Did you sleep at all on night one? 
I got maybe 4 hours throughout the night (not consecutively) because I was up checking the monitor and making sure he was alive and breathing. I slept a lot more on night 2. Just know those first few nights, you’re gonna be a zombie the next day. So plan it accordingly – like on a weekend night where you have nothing the next day or have some support from your spouse and one of you doesn’t have to go to work.
10. At four months, my baby is starting to roll over on their tummy but can’t roll back. How do I adjust during sleep training?
At first, I would go in and turn my son onto his back if he rolled over because everything you read says, “back is best.” But at what point do you stop because that’s just their preference for sleeping? Eventually, I didn’t continue to roll him back over because if he’s strong enough to roll over, he’s strong enough to move his head from side to side when sleeping. I wasn’t worried about him suffocating and every time I put him down, he’d roll to his tummy to sleep. And that’s how he sleeps to this day. So I stopped after the first few nights. But do what makes you comfortable.
I would love to hear your sleep training experience-what method worked for you? Was anyone able to sleep train without tears? I am sure there is someone out there who is in need of some advice so leave your comments and questions below. And lastly, this link will take you to one of the best blog articles I’ve read about sleep training and it’s coming directly from a sleep consultant-so you can trust the information if you’re still a little weary of my method 🙂

Comments

  1. Hi, I love that you shared your experience with sleep training. I started sleep training my baby at 9 months 9 (it’s late. I know), but I had my reasons. I was living in Montréal, had my baby in Seattle, moved back to Montréal when he was 8 weeks old (without my husband), moved to British Columbia when he was 8 months, went to visit my family in Morocco 2 weeks after and then came back to canada when was 9 months. At this point, i knew i needed to sleep train him because he was sleeping with me in my bed and breastfeeding ALL NIGHT. I was so tired, so I said to myself: more sleepless night are not going to be the end of the world. And I also knew that if I waited more, soon he is going to start walking and I can’t sllep train him then, as he will def jump from the crib and come to my bed lol. I kept a journal too and it really helped to see results black on white. For me it was realyy painful for the first 2 weeks. he cried for 2 hours and more at the begining, and woke up every 2 hours through the nignt. As he was used to sleep with me in my bed surrounded with arms and blankets, i purchased a Dockatot Grand to make an easier transition. it was very helpful. for the breastfeeding part that was hard, because he refused a pacifier as an alternative. so each time he woke up during the first 2 weeks I gave nursed him for few minutes and put him back in his crib. Around week 3 he was in bed by 8pm (it could be late but it’s working for me) and he wakes up between 7:30 and 8:30 am. Things can change sometimes when he is teething. happening now. But the important for me is that he goes for 11 or 12 hours a night (sometimes more ;)) in his crib and by his own (still cries sometimes though but … whatever) 😉

  2. This is great! I always like hearing other moms’ experiences with sleep training. I started at 3.5 months (I too had returned to work, and he was also a high weight percentile), and tried a version of Ferber. The first night he seemed to try to fall asleep and my check-ins appeared to rile him up more. So we abandoned the first night, and switched to straight CIO the second and he fell asleep much quicker. I thought for sure he would be soothed by the checkins, but this is one of those humbling experiences that shows you that your kid might surprise you (and maybe be different than your next one). First (real) night he cried on and off for about 2 hours, and woke up 8 hours later, cried for 5 min slept for another 4 hours. After the ~1.5 nights of ST he fell asleep within minutes and now sleeps 630-630. Sleep is a gift for everyone lol!

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