Transitions + Baby #2

Quinn will be 2 years old next week and it’s got me feeling all kinds of emotions. We moved to Seattle when she was only 4 months old. Life 2 years ago was a complete sh*t show if I’m being honest. We had always talked about what it would be like to move to a new city and have a “fresh start”.  Fun to think about right?  We would visit my husband’s family in Seattle every summer and I would say…I would totally move here! I mean nothing beats Seattle summer right? (Clearly we didn’t visit in January!!)

So when his company offered him an opportunity to move up here it was exciting to think about. We went back and forth about it for months…putting off having to make a decision.  I remember him calling me one afternoon asking me if we were really doing this because his company wanted an answer ASAP.  There was no more putting this off…they wanted him starting the first of the year. I’m 8+ months pregnant and in no shape mentally or emotionally to be making such a big life decision. Worst timing ever.  We met with our real estate agent on a Saturday morning about putting our condo on the market and I went into labor the next day!

Let’s just say trying to sell a condo (staged, spotless clean, open houses, etc) with a newborn and a black lab (so.much.hair) was hell. The timing for everything couldn’t have been worse, but we worked together and made it happen.

My husband and I both went through like a million major life transitions at once (new baby, new house, new state, new jobs, new/no friends).  It was an emotional rollercoaster…filled with highs and very low lows. The past year and a half we’ve made a great little life for our family in Seattle and I’m thankful to be here, but I think about how our lives would be different if we were still in the Bay Area.  Life was good…I had a full time nutrition private practice that I fully intended to return to (and spent years building), my husband’s job was going well, we lived close to my sister and her family, and we had great friends.

However, there was something really enticing about moving to Seattle and having Quinn grow up with all that the PNW could offer.  So we said our goodbyes and made the 14 hour drive (in one day with a 4 month old) showed up to an empty house at 10:30pm on December 22^nd, 2016 and that was the beginning of our new life in Seattle. It was a rough adjustment I’m not going to lie. Moving to Seattle in the dead of winter is just cruel.  What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, eh?

Why do I share all this? I swear it all ties in….at least it did in my head. Quinn will be turning 2 in a week and I feel so much pressure (mostly from myself) to have another baby.   Everyone said “Oh when she turns 1 you will want another baby.”  Nope! Didn’t feel that way…we were just getting our heads above water last August when she turned 1. So, I pushed back my deadline to her 2^nd birthday…then I would magically feel strongly one way or another and have my answer. Spoiler alert… I just don’t. Neither of us do. My husband and I go back and forth on the obvious “pros” and “cons” of having another baby, but can’t commit to either decision.

Sure, I go through periods where I scroll through my phone and look at her baby pictures, get emotional, and want to do it all again.  Or I see what a “big girl” she’s becoming and get sad that I might not have this experience again. But, those feelings are mixed and I get so frustrated with myself for not “just knowing” or having a really strong desire to have another baby. Does that make me selfish? Not maternal?  Our life is good and stable right now and I think I have PTSD from how hard it was having Quinn on top of all these other transitions we were going through.

Most of the pressure I feel comes from myself (my close friends and family are supportive of whatever we choose), but everyone has their opinions.  When people ask about #2 and I say oh we might be “one and done” people either assume I’m joking or seem seriously baffled by this choice…I kid you not. It messes with me and I know it shouldn’t. Social media doesn’t help…it makes it all look so easy to have this beautiful big family posing for all the cute pictures. I know that’s not necessarily real life, but I wish I could just be confident that it is OK if we DON’T follow the “social norm” of having multiple kids. I mean I can just borrow one of Heather’s right?

I feel like I have to justify to people (mostly myself) how much I socialize Quinn, how many cousins and friends she has, and that she won’t be lonely or mad at me later in life for not having a sibling. I’m so unbelievably close with my sister and it breaks my heart that if we don’t have another baby she won’t have that experience. I also feel like I have to justify why I’m a SAHM and only having one kid…well then I should get a job (I do work one day a week during the school year thank you very much!) or have another baby right? Why so much pressure to have it all figured out…this is the crazy amount of pressure I put on myself.

I’m not saying we’ve 100% ruled out baby #2…nothing is off the table, but these are my thoughts, my anxieties, my fears and I thought maybe there are others out there that can relate. With all that said… my baby girl turns 2 next week and my goal is just to savor every second with her and feel so lucky for all the time we get to spend together. I’m going to try to put less pressure on myself and not compare to what others are doing…because I need to do what’s right for me and my family. We have time…there is no rush to have it all figured out.

Thanks for listening…this has clearly been in my head for awhile and I felt like it might be good to share and start a conversation about this topic 😉